Dear boss, please don’t:
Dear future bosses,
from my experience, this information should help you along. Please, don’t
1. a) Take coke with one of your staff. b) Also, don’t buy coke off her boyfriend in the toilets. More importantly, if you are going to take steps a and b, do not fire her because she is taking coke or because her boyfriend is selling coke in the toilets. Check first: are you the only person who has bought coke off her boyfriend in the toilets?
2. a) Do not shout “Go home and lick some fucking cunt, you fucking bitches” when a large group of girls argue over a half-hour extra on the bill. Should you do that, do not then ask, “you saw me, I acted with restraint, right?” In the unlikely event that both of those happen, it is unfair to fire an employee because they answered “Um…I’m not sure.” This might seem too detailed, but just to be safe, if you do fire that employee, and then rehire that same employee later on that night, do not tell him that i) you love him like a father, ii) you respect him, iii) that you’re proud of him, iv) that he’s an intelligent guy (but, of course, not as intelligent as you, but more intelligent as the other people who go to your business), v) that it pains you because he doesn’t show you enough respect, and vi) that you have enough money to hang around people who respect you. b) If everything listed in point a) occurs, do not then try to give that employee a hug.
3. This has nothing to do with your business, but do not sleep with your sister in law. She might have a kid.
4. If you make a customer cry while having sex with her, do not tell people, and do not laugh about it.
5. Do not make continual racist jokes about an employee, even if he is white. His accent and teeth do not require noticing more than once a day, if that.
6. Do not have a “star” system, in which potential cocktail waitresses get one of three “stars” based on their face, boobs and personality.
7. a) Do not separate “black drinks” from other drinks on the computer. b) Do not raise the price only on “black drinks.”
8. Do not get rid of “black music” on the jukebox, especially when they make up the largest percentage of your nighttime customers.
9. Do not try to restrict “black clothing.” A du-rag on a 45 year-old doctor is not unacceptable. If you do take issue with it, do not tell an employee to take care of it — ask the doctor to take off the du-rag yourself.
10. Do not fire employees for stealing when you have no proof. Especially not if you think they have stolen a case of Coors Light. It is very unlikely that someone you are paying $12 an hour would steal a case of Coors Light.
11. Do not be late for work when you are supposed to be taking over for an employee on his first day of college. If you are late, do not fire that employee for closing up and going to college.
12. a) If, for some reason, you must hire four Asian prostitutes, try not to take them to the bar. If you don’t manage to avoid the bar, try to make sure your employees aren’t forced to witness this. They might be made uncomfortable.
13. a) Do not take tips, especially not if another bartender is working there. Owners do not get tips. b) Do not steal tips from your bartenders. Yes, they know when you’re stealing tips from them. They can count.
14. If you promise to pay an employee $100 for a service, and you charge the customer $100 for that service, do not only pay the employee $75. Not if another employee is handling the checks. The same goes for $75/$50.
15. If you spend $1,500 in a strip club, put your fingers inside some of the girls who work there, and then get one of them fired for not “doing enough” and for “complaining,” remember that one should not be proud of getting strippers fired. Also, do not tell your employees about it.
16. Do not overcharge your customers on purpose.
17. Do not buy non-standard shot glasses. People know when they’re getting a small drink.
18. Trust your bartenders to make a good drink. Do not put measured stoppers on your bottles. It’s frustrating for everyone, and doesn’t save you money.
19. Do not tell people you’re stealing your cable T.V.
20. a) Always pay overtime, if overtime has been worked. Don’t complain to your employees about paying overtime — that’s like admitting you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth. If one of your employees has worked 80 hours in a week because everyone else has been fired, try, instead, to thank him. b) Remember, taking an employee out for dinner does not count as paying them overtime. If it’s the only way you can get someone to go out for dinner with you, try taking someone else out for dinner instead. Perhaps someone who doesn’t know you that well.
21. If a cocktail waitress is Asian, do not say “did I order sushi?” when she comes in, and then try to have sex with her.
22. Do not be racist towards an employee’s best friend. Not if you have invited him there to watch the World Cup. If you have invited the employees best friend to watch the World Cup, and have a sign outside advertising the World Cup, when you are asked to switch the channel to the World Cup, do not tell them “In AMERICA we watch BASEBALL.” When they seem uncomfortable, do not then ask “WELL, are you going to buy a beer?”
23. Do not promise a managerial position to an employee, and then fire him because you say you cannot afford a manager. The next person you hire should not then be for more money than the other employees (including the one that was fired). Even if he is a cute straight-for-Jesus actor.
24. This also has little to do with work, but do try not to cheat on your wife. If you do cheat on your wife, do not tell people. If you cheat on your wife, and you tell people at work, do not invite her to work.
25. If you tell an employee that he is intelligent, more intelligent than the customers, and then say that you are ten times as intelligent as that employee, in the same sentence. It is likely that neither of those statements is true.
26. If your employee suggests a change, do not ask that employee to congratulate you for making that change, even if it has taken place a year after it was suggested. They probably won’t forget telling you to make that change.
27. Do not smoke in your bar when there are many customers around. If you do, don’t get angry at your bartenders for smoking in the bar.
28. Do not bring a large dog to sit in the food and beverage area of your business, regardless of how cute the dog is.
29. Deal with dead mice and rats. Airspray is not a solution.
30. Fix the urinal when it breaks. It will break, and it will need to be fixed.
31. Work out when you are going to open, and then stick to it. People waiting outside to get in do not care that you are the owner.
32. Report cash sales. Either that, or donate your social security and medicaid to someone who paid their taxes.
33. a) Do not punch customers in the face. If you have to punch a customer in the face, make sure he isn’t completely drunk and stoned first, because that is unfair. If you are going to punch him in the face anyway, try to give him a warning. “Oh Yeah?” ten minutes after he last spoke to you — and only one second before you punch him — is not a warning, and it doesn’t count if he is holding a cue in one hand and a drink in the other. b) If you knock a drunk and stoned customer onto the ground by punching them in the face, do not brag about how well you punched them. It is not a case for pride. Not even for a hockey fan. Hockey players are not drunk and stoned on the ice.
34. Do not ban customers from coming into the bar because they didn’t ask you how you were doing or shake your hand when they walked in. Politely cough instead. “You should show me some respect” is not a polite cough.
35. a) Do not shout “I fucking hate niggers” in your bar. b) Having your phone stolen when you leave it out in a bar is not cause to shout out “I fucking hate niggers.” c) If you shout “I fucking hate niggers,” make sure your only customers aren’t black and within earshot. d) If you fucking hate niggers, try to keep that to yourself until you no longer employ black people. Or don’t hire black people — at least you’d be being honest.
36. If your most reliable worker breaks his arm while working for you, pay workers’ comp. “Sorting it out” does not mean paying him back for whatever he was able to afford on his own.
37. If you have sex in your business, do not tell people how many places you have had sex in your business.
38. If you are going to threaten your staff, do not do it on the answering machine. They may have an audio recorder. They might also play the recording to lots of their friends.
39. If you serve food, your employees need to have a license. After firing an employee, give them their license back — we’re not in kindergarten anymore.
40. Try not to add anti-Jew, anti-black and anti-Mexican jokes to your repertoire. Not when you are employing Jews, blacks and Mexicans.
41. Constructive criticism is not an insult.
42. If an employee gets a new job and resigns, do not tell people that you fired that employee. Everyone else who works for you is bound to know that they got a new job.
43. If you go home with a customer and fall asleep on her bed instead of performing, do not tell people that you “fucked her all night,” and that she said you were the “best sex she’d ever had.” If you are going to say that, make sure she doesn’t live with one of your bartenders.
44. Do not try to sleep with your employees. Actually, that’s not such a bad thing. But I’m sure it’s looked down upon by some people.
45. Do not tell everyone that you are the owner, unless they ask “who is the owner?” Practice reducing it to one or two times a day.
46. a) If you do not believe in God, do not tell girls you realized that there “must be something out there” when you went snorkeling in Australia, or that you “became wise” while surfing in Australia. b) If you believe that surfing in Australia has made you deep and mysterious, ask yourself “is Keanu Reeves (in Point Break) the benchmark by which I want to measure my depth?” If the answer is “no,” stop telling people how surfing in Australia made you deep.
47. If you are old enough to own a business (even if your father paid for it), you are old enough to disagree without shouting.
48. Do not tell people that you can trace your family back to the Mayflower, even if you can trace your family back to the Mayflower. Not unless you carry records with you, or can go back through the list name by name. It’s too…white. Way too white. Like, wealthy Connecticut white.
49. Do not fire people via text messages, as not only is it a little weak, but also because messages in all forms can easily be recorded, and then distributed at will. If you are going to fire someone via a text message, the following is not appropriate:
You are done at MY pool hall. You smug arrogant English prick!!!!! By the wayway, you never said thank you fort me paying you entrance fee to the tournament! Must be nice having grandma paying all the bills. Saw you got your ass kicked after I let you win. I have plenty of money and want to have people who respect me around. You have been replaced by Tony Robles and George Sansouci as house pro. Goodbye, happy trails.
This is an important thing to note, because it is unlikely that the employee had forgotten it was YOUR pool hall.
If you manage to do avoid all of these steps, congratulations! — you are a good boss. You should aim to avoid at least 50%-75%. If, unfortunately, this perfectly describes you, you’ll have to try to remember that your image is probably a little negative. Therefore, to move forwards, there are things you SHOULD do:
i. Accept that people who know you neither like you nor respect you.
ii. In line with point i., try to remember that owning money or owning other things does not get you respect. People did not respect Jafar from Aladdin, even when Jafar was holding the lamp. If you cannot see the logic behind this, get out of Connecticut.
iii. In line with point i. and ii., inherited wealth does not even deserve the little respect that earned wealth deserves.
iv. In line with point i., ii., and iii., if the way you earned money was by selling insurance to youngsters about to join the army, I am sorry to inform you that this actually reduces your share of respect. People are able to read articles about the statistics involved between insurance companies and soldiers who have just joined the army.
v. A note on respect: try to avoid using the word “respect” disproportionately more often than “please” or “sorry.”
vi. Try to say sorry. Just test it out. “Sorry!” It can even be fun. Try to say “Oops!” or “Damn it!” or “Oh crap!” too. If you manage to say sorry in public (practice! practice! practice!), do not follow it with a “but….” Sorry does not always have to be qualified. Sometimes acknowledging a mistake is enough.
Would that we lived in a perfect world, textbooks detailing these 49 points would be distributed in Connecticut’s private high-schools, to ensure that our future owners and business leaders know how to behave with their money and power.
Tags: eastside billiards
